A Change of Plans

As you all have heard, Gavin and I had plans to move to Oregon in June of this year. Just the idea of leaving Alaska has caused me so much anxiety. It's one thing to go on adventures and explore the world. But it's something completely different to leave your home with no promise of returning.

There where many red flags in the past months that I was not happy with any of the decisions being made for me by the man I chose to marry. But I didn't see a way out of the situation I was in, so every action from me was to make my reality better. Trying to dream about the future, the nature in Oregon, the new homes to be made. I found myself growing increasingly depressed and praying for help.

So after prayer, scripture study, and deep personal reflection, it has come to my attention that I am in an unhealthy relationship and have decided to walk. The constant crying, being alone, having no money because it was being hoarded, and being told that I had to move to the lower 48 without any give for my opinion or personal feelings on the issue, alone with many other issues, it all finally got to me and I am done.

Now I would like to point out that I did try to save this marriage. There were meetings with the bishop nearly weekly, and I read as many books and articles about marriage that I could find. But in the end, when he started mocking the sound of me crying and telling me I sounded like I was a child, that's where I draw the line.

So now I am moving to Fairbanks to be with my best friend where I will be free to make my own decisions again. I have nothing to hide and if anybody has any questions, feel free to message me on Facebook or text me.

Sisters

Tonight has been especially hard on me, missing my sisters. I have two biological sisters and one foster sister. It's hard living four hours away from them.

Growing up, my siblings and I would make up little games all the time. Ninja games especially. Trying to find all the creaks in the house and get around them. We would stay up late giggling and talking. As we got older we would sit and bond and tell each other about school and friends.

When Kenna was young she was very content just playing by herself. I was old enough when she was born that I got the blessed opportunity to watch her grow up. I've seen her develop amazing talents and build young friendships. I've seen her grow into a brilliant young woman, and I see so much potential in her. On my wedding day she walked up to me, her face puffy from crying, and asked me to dance. Yeah, I cried the whole song. I am so proud of all she is doing and will do with her life. Kenna is so beautiful and talented that there is nothing she won't do with her life.

Bri and I used to clash when we were younger, but the older she got, the more we related. We used to walk down to the Tesoro near our house with our pockets full of loose change. We would get ice tea and candy then sit on the side of the road. We had a specific spot we would sit and wave at the cars passing by. We would cheer on the bikers and runners and just laugh and smile. Bri is my dearest friend, the closest person to my heart. She knows my deepest secrets and has supported me through everything. Bri is now going on dates, learning to drive, and becoming such an amazing young adult.

It blows my mind that I am so blessed to be these girls older sister. I cannot fathom how amazing it is to watch these girls grow up. I am so proud of them and I miss them so much.

Existential Crisis

I can't be the only person who does this. I'll be doing something totally normal, watching Netflix, doing the dishes, folding laundry, playing on my phone, and suddenly everything is like "why am I here in this exact moment?" "What is this leading to?" "I should be doing more with my life." "There are children starving and I'm playing Temple Run and watching YouTube." "Why don't I have a job?" "Why couldn't I have been born as a tree. Trees don't worry about this stuff. Why are all the trees in the world getting cut down?" "There are sources of renewable energy and the world insists on cutting down trees and drilling for oil that is toxic. Why do people hate the earth?"

I seriously can't be the only person to think this kind of stuff. Ugh. I'm gonna go finish the dishes. Maybe that will help me relax.

Dreams

It is official, I have my GED. Graduation is on May 7th, but I'm not really sure if I want to walk or not. It seems like a lot of effort... lots of people, rehearsals, standing for so long. So I might just find away around having to walk in the graduation. I think I'm more excited about being able to get a job and put away money for Burning Man in 2017. It's such a huge accomplishment to finally have my GED.

Lately it seems like all I can think about is babies. They are all over my dash and feed. Seriously. Like its gotten to the point where I just keep dreaming about little babies. I think a lot of it stems from being away from my family. I miss Jamie and Jake a whole lot. Those babies are the cutest thing ever. It's pretty hard being away from my family. I think it's going to be even harder after the move to Oregon. But it will be okay. I have Gavin and Kita.

I'm scared of Oregon.  Excited. Yes. Ready for a new beginning. Also yes. But terrified of moving away from home. It's nice that we are moving in the summer though. I'm excited for rain and trees. Nature fills my soul. Not so much hiking or running. But sitting under a tree sipping a cold drink. Laying in the sun for hours. Touching the green grass. Making flower crowns. Ahhh just the thought of it rests my heart so much. I think that's what I'm most excited about. The trees. The beach. That's where I wanna be.

The Future is Bright

Two years ago, I dropped out of high school. I got my heart broken and I just gave up. I finished 11th grade and convinced myself I could finish 5 credits on my own. The summer after I dropped out was hard. I was dealing with my first long-term relationship falling apart, severe and constant depression, and I wasn't sure what to do. I lost myself. Those 5 credits seemed insurmountable, and I never found the strength to finish them. I spent a year and a half after that screwing up. A lot. I refused to move forward in my life because I was afraid of being hurt again. I fought to the nail at the idea of finishing high school because I didn't want to be reminding that I gave up on something that was so important. I didn't know how to have a healthy relationship (friendship or otherwise) and I was subconsciously determined to screw up everything that came my way. I burned bridges with dear friends in an attempt to protect myself. I ran away a lot. To Maryland, Hawaii, I jumped couches, didn't stay in contact with people. I was scared and hurting. I was so terrified of being hurt or abandoned that I didn't show anybody (except my 2 closest friends) what was going on. I worked dead end jobs trying to support myself financially, but having only 11 years of school, nobody really wanted to hire me. I searched for affection and attention in undesirable places. The person who broke my heart, I let him continue to hurt me even though we weren't in contact. I let my thoughts of him consume me and I let it affect every aspect of my life, every decision I made. Seven months ago I decided it was time for my life to change. I looked for a healthy, committed relationship instead of the poisonous flings I had grown accustomed to. I started planning a future and looking for ways to achieve it. Then I met my husband who opened so many doors. A few weeks after we got married, I decided it was time to take the next step and finish high school. It didn't matter how. I was determined to finish. I started on that path by taking GED prep tests and talking with college advisors. I wanted to learn new talents. Make myself more rounded as a person. That opened doors to crocheting and more recently playing the ukulele. I re-discovered a passion I have had since I was a little girl: singing.
Tomorrow, April 22nd 2015, I have my 4th and final GED test. Even though it is my hardest subject, I am determined to pass with the highest score I personally can achieve. And I WILL walk in the May 7th graduation walk here in Kenai.
Friday, April 24th, I will take my ukulele and drive down to Veronicas Cafe and sing in their open mic night.
And in the first week of June my husband and I will pack up our puppy Kita, our few belongs, and we will make the trek down to Oregon. My life is drastically different compared to 2 years ago and I am eternally grateful that I fought through those times. I am thankful for the man that broke my heart because it taught me how strong I am. The year and a half that I beat myself up every day taught me that I can make it through some pretty rough stuff and find myself on the other end. I am scared and excited and nervous and happy for all of the many adventures ahead of me and my family. I am so glad I chose to keep fighting to achieve all of this. My husband, my puppy, our future family, and all of our dreams.

Big news

I've been absolutely terrible about blogging.
When Gavin is gone I have a very low drive to do much besides watch Netflix and sleep. So finding the energy to be creative and blog is nearly impossible.
But he comes home tomorrow. Thank goodness. It's been nearly a month and that is insanely hard for me.
I struggle with panic attacks and depression and it is especially hard while Gavin is gone. So being the amazing husband he is, my dear called me up about a week ago and handed me a solution to my loneliness.
He bought me a puppy.
Her name is Kita. A dachshund, poodle, chihuahua mix. And she has changed everything.  She gives me a drive to get outside, to take her to visit my friends, to take her on walks.
I find myself smiling more, sleeping better, and having far less panic attacks. I am so thankful for my little family.

So, now for the big news.
Ha. You thought Kita was the big news.
You were wrong.

After lots of prayer, discussion, pondering, and communication... Gavin and I have decided to move to Oregon. We will be near his side of our family, there will be a real sun there and not a frozen one, we will be about 45 minutes from a beach, and we will have more than enough space to run and have adventures.
He has one more hitch on the Slope and then we are planning to leave. Come June, our truck will be packed and our 3 day journey will begin. Every day will be an adventure and I can imagine no better person and puppy to create those memories with.

Alaska is my home. It will always be my home. My heart grew here, found roots and solid ground to stand on. My friends and family are here and it is hard to leave. But the dreams of a colorful, warm, exciting future far out weight the fear of leaving behind my home.