2015

This past year has been a roller-coaster of emotion and experience.

From Janurary to April I was with a man who never loved me for who I am. I lived a life of fear, depression, and captivity. The whole time I disguised it as happiness, though looking back I would never wish those months on anybody.

April to July was pretty messy too. I moved up to Fairbanks to get a new start after my divorce from Gavin. I lived with my best friend for less than a month when her husband kicked me out due to different life views. After that I lived in my car. Everything I owned fit in that car and that was where I slept too. In that time I went 2 months without a cell phone. I wasn't going to church, I was sleeping around, and I wasn't eating much. But never once did I look back and think I should have stayed in my abusive marriage.

The beginning of July I started going back to church. My divorce finalized July 7th and the very next Sunday I was in the singles ward. Something had just clicked in me and I felt the need to figure my life out a bit. I stopped drinking, vaping, and smoking in an effort to better myself.

Near mid to late July I signed a 6 month lease for a dry cabin here in Fairbanks. The plan was to stay here for 6 months, work, become a better person, and then move home to wasilla. And on July 29th I felt like those plans had solidified. I took a pregnancy test and it came up positive. I was scared and had no idea what to do. All I knew was that I wanted to be home with my mom.

In August I moved into my dry cabin. It felt nice to have a home. I started to work on myself even more. Started reading my scriptures, praying, and going to church a little more regularly. I still had a far way to go, but I was making steps in the right direction. Late August my (then) boyfriend Dustin moved into the dry cabin with me. I immediately knew he was the one I wanted to spend the rest of eternity with. We were building a family and a home in our tiny cabin. We were learning about the gospel together and and making strides in our own personal growth.

From August to November Dustin and I grew closer. My belly started to grow. We began to dream of our future together. And on November 14th I married my best friend.

Now here we are at the end of December. In 14 weeks we will be welcoming a tiny, pure, and precious little girl into this world. This past year has been terrifying. I spent a lot of it crying, feeling lost, and making mistakes. But on the other hand, much of this year has taught me who I am in an eternal aspect. I am closer to God than I ever have been before. I'm not afraid of the future anymore. I have my soul mate by my side as we conquer our trials as a team. This life doesn't feel as lonely anymore. I'm going to be a mom very soon. And the man I get to take on that adventure with is more than just a man. He is my partner, my best friend, and my rock. 2016 is going to be my best year yet. I cannot wait for the adventures to come.

Fairbanks

Sunday evening I landed in Fairbanks to restart my life. My best friend Paiton greeted me with open arms, flowers, and chocolate. I've been here for two days and I could not be happier. I live by a lake, there is a sauna in my building, and the sun has not stopped shining since I got here.

I have such an amazing support system in my life and it seems like everybody is so willing and ready to help me succeed in this new chapter of my life. I have a car that needs to be fixed up a little bit, then I will be able to start looking for jobs and putting away money. I am feeling so grateful for everybody in my life right now. I have never felt more loved than I have this past week.

Yesterday I went shopping with Paiton and as we walked out of the store, the sun hit my face and I felt so filled with light and joy. I let out this huge sigh of peace and said to Paiton that I felt like I could finally breathe again. I feel so wanted and cherished by all of my friends and family. I don't feel trapped by living here in Fairbanks.

I don't want to look back on the past 4 months as something terrible. I am ready to move on from this point and find the light in every situation around me. Sometimes things end badly. But that is okay. I am happy for the first time in what seems life forever, and I'm ready to seize the day.

A Change of Plans

As you all have heard, Gavin and I had plans to move to Oregon in June of this year. Just the idea of leaving Alaska has caused me so much anxiety. It's one thing to go on adventures and explore the world. But it's something completely different to leave your home with no promise of returning.

There where many red flags in the past months that I was not happy with any of the decisions being made for me by the man I chose to marry. But I didn't see a way out of the situation I was in, so every action from me was to make my reality better. Trying to dream about the future, the nature in Oregon, the new homes to be made. I found myself growing increasingly depressed and praying for help.

So after prayer, scripture study, and deep personal reflection, it has come to my attention that I am in an unhealthy relationship and have decided to walk. The constant crying, being alone, having no money because it was being hoarded, and being told that I had to move to the lower 48 without any give for my opinion or personal feelings on the issue, alone with many other issues, it all finally got to me and I am done.

Now I would like to point out that I did try to save this marriage. There were meetings with the bishop nearly weekly, and I read as many books and articles about marriage that I could find. But in the end, when he started mocking the sound of me crying and telling me I sounded like I was a child, that's where I draw the line.

So now I am moving to Fairbanks to be with my best friend where I will be free to make my own decisions again. I have nothing to hide and if anybody has any questions, feel free to message me on Facebook or text me.

Sisters

Tonight has been especially hard on me, missing my sisters. I have two biological sisters and one foster sister. It's hard living four hours away from them.

Growing up, my siblings and I would make up little games all the time. Ninja games especially. Trying to find all the creaks in the house and get around them. We would stay up late giggling and talking. As we got older we would sit and bond and tell each other about school and friends.

When Kenna was young she was very content just playing by herself. I was old enough when she was born that I got the blessed opportunity to watch her grow up. I've seen her develop amazing talents and build young friendships. I've seen her grow into a brilliant young woman, and I see so much potential in her. On my wedding day she walked up to me, her face puffy from crying, and asked me to dance. Yeah, I cried the whole song. I am so proud of all she is doing and will do with her life. Kenna is so beautiful and talented that there is nothing she won't do with her life.

Bri and I used to clash when we were younger, but the older she got, the more we related. We used to walk down to the Tesoro near our house with our pockets full of loose change. We would get ice tea and candy then sit on the side of the road. We had a specific spot we would sit and wave at the cars passing by. We would cheer on the bikers and runners and just laugh and smile. Bri is my dearest friend, the closest person to my heart. She knows my deepest secrets and has supported me through everything. Bri is now going on dates, learning to drive, and becoming such an amazing young adult.

It blows my mind that I am so blessed to be these girls older sister. I cannot fathom how amazing it is to watch these girls grow up. I am so proud of them and I miss them so much.

Existential Crisis

I can't be the only person who does this. I'll be doing something totally normal, watching Netflix, doing the dishes, folding laundry, playing on my phone, and suddenly everything is like "why am I here in this exact moment?" "What is this leading to?" "I should be doing more with my life." "There are children starving and I'm playing Temple Run and watching YouTube." "Why don't I have a job?" "Why couldn't I have been born as a tree. Trees don't worry about this stuff. Why are all the trees in the world getting cut down?" "There are sources of renewable energy and the world insists on cutting down trees and drilling for oil that is toxic. Why do people hate the earth?"

I seriously can't be the only person to think this kind of stuff. Ugh. I'm gonna go finish the dishes. Maybe that will help me relax.

Dreams

It is official, I have my GED. Graduation is on May 7th, but I'm not really sure if I want to walk or not. It seems like a lot of effort... lots of people, rehearsals, standing for so long. So I might just find away around having to walk in the graduation. I think I'm more excited about being able to get a job and put away money for Burning Man in 2017. It's such a huge accomplishment to finally have my GED.

Lately it seems like all I can think about is babies. They are all over my dash and feed. Seriously. Like its gotten to the point where I just keep dreaming about little babies. I think a lot of it stems from being away from my family. I miss Jamie and Jake a whole lot. Those babies are the cutest thing ever. It's pretty hard being away from my family. I think it's going to be even harder after the move to Oregon. But it will be okay. I have Gavin and Kita.

I'm scared of Oregon.  Excited. Yes. Ready for a new beginning. Also yes. But terrified of moving away from home. It's nice that we are moving in the summer though. I'm excited for rain and trees. Nature fills my soul. Not so much hiking or running. But sitting under a tree sipping a cold drink. Laying in the sun for hours. Touching the green grass. Making flower crowns. Ahhh just the thought of it rests my heart so much. I think that's what I'm most excited about. The trees. The beach. That's where I wanna be.

The Future is Bright

Two years ago, I dropped out of high school. I got my heart broken and I just gave up. I finished 11th grade and convinced myself I could finish 5 credits on my own. The summer after I dropped out was hard. I was dealing with my first long-term relationship falling apart, severe and constant depression, and I wasn't sure what to do. I lost myself. Those 5 credits seemed insurmountable, and I never found the strength to finish them. I spent a year and a half after that screwing up. A lot. I refused to move forward in my life because I was afraid of being hurt again. I fought to the nail at the idea of finishing high school because I didn't want to be reminding that I gave up on something that was so important. I didn't know how to have a healthy relationship (friendship or otherwise) and I was subconsciously determined to screw up everything that came my way. I burned bridges with dear friends in an attempt to protect myself. I ran away a lot. To Maryland, Hawaii, I jumped couches, didn't stay in contact with people. I was scared and hurting. I was so terrified of being hurt or abandoned that I didn't show anybody (except my 2 closest friends) what was going on. I worked dead end jobs trying to support myself financially, but having only 11 years of school, nobody really wanted to hire me. I searched for affection and attention in undesirable places. The person who broke my heart, I let him continue to hurt me even though we weren't in contact. I let my thoughts of him consume me and I let it affect every aspect of my life, every decision I made. Seven months ago I decided it was time for my life to change. I looked for a healthy, committed relationship instead of the poisonous flings I had grown accustomed to. I started planning a future and looking for ways to achieve it. Then I met my husband who opened so many doors. A few weeks after we got married, I decided it was time to take the next step and finish high school. It didn't matter how. I was determined to finish. I started on that path by taking GED prep tests and talking with college advisors. I wanted to learn new talents. Make myself more rounded as a person. That opened doors to crocheting and more recently playing the ukulele. I re-discovered a passion I have had since I was a little girl: singing.
Tomorrow, April 22nd 2015, I have my 4th and final GED test. Even though it is my hardest subject, I am determined to pass with the highest score I personally can achieve. And I WILL walk in the May 7th graduation walk here in Kenai.
Friday, April 24th, I will take my ukulele and drive down to Veronicas Cafe and sing in their open mic night.
And in the first week of June my husband and I will pack up our puppy Kita, our few belongs, and we will make the trek down to Oregon. My life is drastically different compared to 2 years ago and I am eternally grateful that I fought through those times. I am thankful for the man that broke my heart because it taught me how strong I am. The year and a half that I beat myself up every day taught me that I can make it through some pretty rough stuff and find myself on the other end. I am scared and excited and nervous and happy for all of the many adventures ahead of me and my family. I am so glad I chose to keep fighting to achieve all of this. My husband, my puppy, our future family, and all of our dreams.

Big news

I've been absolutely terrible about blogging.
When Gavin is gone I have a very low drive to do much besides watch Netflix and sleep. So finding the energy to be creative and blog is nearly impossible.
But he comes home tomorrow. Thank goodness. It's been nearly a month and that is insanely hard for me.
I struggle with panic attacks and depression and it is especially hard while Gavin is gone. So being the amazing husband he is, my dear called me up about a week ago and handed me a solution to my loneliness.
He bought me a puppy.
Her name is Kita. A dachshund, poodle, chihuahua mix. And she has changed everything.  She gives me a drive to get outside, to take her to visit my friends, to take her on walks.
I find myself smiling more, sleeping better, and having far less panic attacks. I am so thankful for my little family.

So, now for the big news.
Ha. You thought Kita was the big news.
You were wrong.

After lots of prayer, discussion, pondering, and communication... Gavin and I have decided to move to Oregon. We will be near his side of our family, there will be a real sun there and not a frozen one, we will be about 45 minutes from a beach, and we will have more than enough space to run and have adventures.
He has one more hitch on the Slope and then we are planning to leave. Come June, our truck will be packed and our 3 day journey will begin. Every day will be an adventure and I can imagine no better person and puppy to create those memories with.

Alaska is my home. It will always be my home. My heart grew here, found roots and solid ground to stand on. My friends and family are here and it is hard to leave. But the dreams of a colorful, warm, exciting future far out weight the fear of leaving behind my home.

Finally married!

To say the days before the wedding were stressful would be an understatement. I'm not an overly social person. I enjoy people and making new friends. But put me in a room with more than 5 people that all want to talk to me and I will panic.
So imagine the bridal shower and the wedding one right after the other.

I am so grateful for my mother who put so much time and effort into this beautiful wedding. She devoted so much energy to this and I am so grateful.

The wedding went so smoothly. I was worried something would go wrong. But there was dancing, enough food and chairs for everybody, the music was perfect, and the man of my dreams said "yes." I know that's cheesy. But I feel like I'm allowed to say stuff like that.

I was also blessed to meet my new mother in law and sister in law. And they were so darling. They had to fly home Sunday, but the time I got to spend with them was amazing. I am so blessed to be accepted into such a beautiful family.

Now here I am. Living in Kenai. Which is crazy. When I was in high school I used to dream of moving to the peninsula. Well here I am. I knew the Lord was preparing something for me down here. It's hard to adjust to the Slope life. But I'll get used to it. My Gavin and I have been so greatly blessed to have this job and I am so grateful.

Now to the pictures!

Wedding Preparations

I have planned three weddings in my 19 years on this earth.

•My dream wedding when I was 15. Complete with a ballgown and a nameless prince to sweep me off my feet.
•The wedding that fell apart when I was 18. Complete with a liar and a plane ticket to the opposite side of the country.
•And now the magnificent reality of not planning just a wedding, but a marriage. Complete with a man of God to hold my hand and a feeling of complete peace.

Now, even though there were plans circulating in my head before the actual planning and reservations were made its still stressful to think "this is actually going to happen. I'm writing this idea on paper and it's going to happen." Maybe most women would be exilerated at the idea of that. But I'm pretty much terrified.

You know that show Bridezillas? Those women who have to have it be a day all about "mine mine mine"? I've never been that kind of person. So much so that I think my mom is a bit frustrated with my lack of input in the wedding plans. There were obviously distinct lines of how I thought the day would happen, but it didn't matter much to me if there were drinks or table cloths or if I was even wearing shoes while walking down the aisle. This day is the first day of the rest of my life. So why would I wear shoes? It's far to stressful to think, "If I plan for there to be twinkling lights and we can't get them then the whole wedding is going to be ruined and I'm going to end up laying in a dirty ditch with my dress tattered and nobody will ever talk to me again all because I couldn't get twinkling lights."

I feel like my ability to hyperbolize any situation is one of my best qualities.

But in all honesty, this day is about Gavin and I. And it is all falling into line perfectly. I sat down with my mother for about 20 minutes today and wrote up a list of the things that still needed to be done.

The list was small.
Like. Really small.

One of the biggest signs for me that Gavin and I are continuing to make correct decisions is how easily everything is coming together. The Lord has blessed me with insight, tolerance (which is a big deal because I get frustrated and overwhelmed fairly easy) and overwhelming love for the man who is meant to stand by my side for the rest of eternity.

I am watching blessings over flow. Blessings are coming in every shape and size almost to quickly for me to recognize.

So here I am, planning a day that will be turned into stories we tell our children. And for the people around me, it may be exciting, but the day will come and pass and it won't be so much as a memory for them. For me, and for Gavin, and for our future family, February 6th is a day to remember.

The Proposal

My sweet fiancé lives 3 hours away from me. So seeing each other every day was out of the question. Oh, but the times together have always been magical. One specific date comes to mind.

Gavin picked me up at Way-To-Early o'clock for an hour drive into Anchortown. He took me shopping at all the malls, to Barns and Nobel (where I spent a lot more time and money than I'd like to admit) and gave me an all around fantastic day. At 6 pm he tells me that we have reservations at a restaurant so we should hurry.

I was expecting something extravagant, so when we drive up to a strip mall I try to hide my disappointment. And then we walk through the doors of a tiny Italian restaurant with all the waiters dressed in suits.

Now, I am not fancy. Nor am I learned in the art of eating spaghetti without slurping. But we are seated at the table reserved for "Hart" anyway and begin to flip through the menu.

Gavin orders sparkling cider to which the waiter sadly proclaims that they only sell alcoholic beverages or water.

"Well they really are fancy..." I think to myself as Gavin and I order water.

How to I begin to describe the food? Better than anything I have ever tasted. Perfectly balanced. I honestly didn't think the night could get better than the food itself.

But it did.

About halfway through the meal the waiter comes up holding two glasses of cider and a bottle.
"Look what we found in the back!" He proclaims as he places the drinks in front of us.

Gavin was nervous. I could see it in his eyes. Glancing quickly between the glass and me.

I knew what was coming. So explain the intense butterflies and shaky hand as I sipped from the glass and saw a beautiful diamond ring at the bottom.

Do I drink the rest of the cider? Do I pretend I didn't see it? To I dump it into my hand? But there was still cider. So the fork it was. I wasn't quite sure how to respond.

Gavin gently takes the ring from my hand and gets down on one knee in the middle of Villa Nova, this beautiful, fancy restaurant and asks me, Sam Hale, to be his wife.

I started crying. Yup. I cried. And everybody in the room started clapping and saying congratulations! Let us see the ring!

There was no concentration on the food in front of me. My sweet Gavin had picked the most perfect ring for me. The most beautiful way to propose. And the magic of the moment had overtaken me.

The Beginning of the Next Great Adventure

Starting in high school I have looked at each step as a new adventure. If I didn't, I would feel as though the world was consuming me. So in an effort to enjoy life a little more, I took everything that happened to me as an adventure. Everything from my 3 different high schools, to my Hawaii trip, to the one-way ticket to Maryland that ended 4 months in and brought me back to Alaska, and now here, less than 2 weeks away from marrying my best friend and the love of my life.

My name is Sam Hale, but on February 6th, 2015 I will be a Hart. I get to marry an amazing man and become part of a wonderful family! Gavin and I are building dreams, goals, and an exciting future.

So here comes another adventure. But the best part? This adventure gets to last the rest of my life, and even the rest of eternity.