Ever since I was little I can remember struggling with disassociative disorders. Sometimes still I feel like I'm not real or the things around me aren't real. It's scary to feel this way. To not recognize people or to not recognize yourself when you look in the mirror. I like patterns. Constants in my life. Things like Dustin getting home at the same time every day. Making dinner together. Watching Netflix on the couch until he starts to gall asleep on my lap and I have to force him to go to the bedroom. The way Afton wakes up at the exact same time every night to eat. These things bring me comfort. They help me relax and feel safe in my environment.
I don't like meeting new people or going to new places. I'm not good at customer service and I get overwhelmed extremely easily. I find myself at this time being employed at the best possible place for me. I've recently accepted a job with ReMax as the marketing agent. The majority of my day is spent organizing paperwork and revamping websites. It's low key and I feel like I'm making a difference. There is a sense of comfort I get from walking through those doors every day. I feel like I'm finally thriving in a job.
The truth about me is that I'm pretty broken. I'm secluded and prefer to have 1 or 2 long term friends. I have so many faults. Yet something I've noticed that keeps me going is Dustin. He is so understanding and loving. If it wasn't for him, I'm not sure what I'd do. He is hard working and so driven. I find myself focusing on all the wonderful things when I'm around him. It's as though nothing in the world could ever be wrong while he is by my side.
It's hard being a military wife. It seems like he's always gone or always stressed and I wish there were more I could do for him. This gentle man snoring next to me deserves the world. Yet he deals with so much stress coming from all directions. I know I'm not easy to deal with and still he handles me with so much grace. Especially on his worst days.
I'm not sure there's really a point to this post. My heart is just so filled with graditude towards Dustin and my new job. I have so much love for my 4 month old son that my heart my burst. But it's late and there's a lot on my mind. So many thoughts and emotions swirling in my mind and chest as we look towards a very challenging next 3 weeks. I pray for strength to get through the times Dustin is in the field. I'm going to miss this man so much that it hurts.
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