New beginnings

It's been a while since I last posted. Afton was only 4 months old then and now he is a little over a year old.

On March 29th we moved back to alaska from missouri (October 30th 2016-march 29th 2017) we moved into this adorable appartment off KGB. my parents have a 41 acre farm set up only 30 minutes from our current location.

I'm laying here at 1030 pm just thinking about how grateful I am. I feel like I've come a long way in my life. Dustin and I have been married for a year and a half, we have a perfect little boy, and are working on establishing our adulthood through paying bills. Lol

Growing up I always thought I would leave wasilla for good one day. I figured that day was back in Feb of 2015 when I married Gavin. I was gone for 2.5 years and then I came back. It's weird. It's weird seeing my family and my childhood through adult eyes. But I'm so thankful to be home.

I love seeing my mom and dad. I love being around my siblings again. I love seeing the way Afton interacts with them. I miss Dallin a lot. He still has just over a year left on his mission, and while I am fiercely proud of him, I miss my little brother. I cannot wait for the day he comes home.

I have been blessed with so much. I have had doors open in front of me when the timing was right. I have fallen and gotten back up. I'm 21, a wife, a mother, a daughter, a sister, and a friend. I have become so much more than I ever forsaw. After struggling through severe depression for most of my life, I am proud of where I stand.

My Random Late Night Thoughts

Ever since I was little I can remember struggling with disassociative disorders.  Sometimes still I feel like I'm not real or the things around me aren't real. It's scary to feel this way. To not recognize people or to not recognize yourself when you look in the mirror. I like patterns. Constants in my life. Things like Dustin getting home at the same time every day. Making dinner together. Watching Netflix on the couch until he starts to gall asleep on my lap and I have to force him to go to the bedroom. The way Afton wakes up at the exact same time every night to eat. These things bring me comfort. They help me relax and feel safe in my environment.

I don't like meeting new people or going to new places. I'm not good at customer service and I get overwhelmed extremely easily. I find myself at this time being employed at the best possible place for me. I've recently accepted a job with ReMax as the marketing agent. The majority of my day is spent organizing paperwork and revamping websites. It's low key and I feel like I'm making a difference. There is a sense of comfort I get from walking through those doors every day. I feel like I'm finally thriving in a job.

The truth about me is that I'm pretty broken. I'm secluded and prefer to have 1 or 2 long term friends. I have so many faults. Yet something I've noticed that keeps me going is Dustin. He is so understanding and loving. If it wasn't for him, I'm not sure what I'd do. He is hard working and so driven. I find myself focusing on all the wonderful things when I'm around him. It's as though nothing in the world could ever be wrong while he is by my side.

It's hard being a military wife. It seems like he's always gone or always stressed and I wish there were more I could do for him. This gentle man snoring next to me deserves the world. Yet he deals with so much stress coming from all directions. I know I'm not easy to deal with and still he handles me with so much grace. Especially on his worst days.

I'm not sure there's really a point to this post.  My heart is just so filled with graditude towards Dustin and my new job. I have so much love for my 4 month old son that my heart my burst. But it's late and there's a lot on my mind. So many thoughts and emotions swirling in my mind and chest as we look towards a very challenging next 3 weeks. I pray for strength to get through the times Dustin is in the field. I'm going to miss this man so much that it hurts.

The birds

It's about midnight right now and Dustin and I are sleeping with the window open. It's still light out and I can hear the birds chirping in the trees. It's such a familiar sound. Growing up i always slept with the window open. I could always here the birds at midnight. So much has changed since then. Now I'm not alone in my parents house. I'm home. With my husband on one side and our tiny son on the other. I'm so thankful for the peace of this moment.

Loving me

For those of you that have known me most of my life know that I've always had some pretty severe self destructive tendencies. I don't know where they stemmed from, but I can remember all the way back in elementary school having deliberately mismatched my clothes and done my hair all crazy so people wouldn't talk to me. My mom noticed it when I was in high school. I would furiously burn bridges with anybody and everybody so that nobody could hurt me except me.

I was a self harm addict from 7th grade up until what would have been the summer after my senior year (if I hadn't have dropped out, that is).

I refused to keep friends in my life for longer than a year. I constantly had a new "best friend" who would "always be there." But in reality I have 2 people that have lasted longer than a year as a close friend.

Every boyfriend I had was either emotionally/verbally abusive, on drugs, or so on and off that nobody really knew when we were together and when to never mention their name.

Many of you know that I was divorced a year ago. I married a man that I was NOT compatible with. He wanted me to fit into a box and I wanted to burn the box and everything associated with it.

Well it's 2 am and I just got up to get a drink. As I was getting out of bed I looked over at my perfect husband Dustin sleeping next to me.

Have you ever been so in love that you thought your heart might explode?

On my left I have Dustin snoring softly. He has to wake up in 3 hours to go to PT. On my right I have Afton breathing in his rapid newborn way. He will be up in an hour to eat and be changed. And me. I got home from work 3 hours ago and can't seem to fall asleep.

I can't help but think of how blessed I am. I have two AMAZING men in my life. One who is just starting his journey on this earth and the other who has 23 years of experience to help me along my way.

For the first time in my life I'm not burning bridges. I'm not pushing people out of my life. I'm making new friends who I sincerely hope stick around. I've got a new job that I am desperately trying to get used to. I have a husband who stands by my side, upholds me, keeps me safe, and supports me. I have a 6 week old son who keeps me grounded and reminds me of how powerful of a person I am. He also humbles me and is truly my light.

I cannot express how much my family means to me. I cannot wait to see where my journey takes me. I'm finally find out out who I am and I love me.

Surprise! It's a boy!

This pregnancy has been an adventure to say the least. When I was 13 weeks pregnant with Afton we got the results back from the genetic testing and found out we were having a boy. Then at the 20 week ultrasound we were told there was no way Afton was a boy because the picture was very clear, textbook female. So we started buying girl stuff.

On Monday March 7th (a month before my due date) Dustin and I began our drive down to Wasilla to visit our family and friends before our little one arrived. On the 8th I started not feeling very well and we decided it was best if we went into the hospital. I had severe itching all over my body but no rash. We went to Mat-Su Regional and they did nothing for us. The doctor looked at my skin, gave me Benedryll, and sent me home. Something in my gut told me we needed to drive the 45 minutes out to Providence in Anchorage. I consulted my midwives and my mom and they agreed.

About 10 pm on Tuesday night we got to Providence. The doctors ran some tests and found that I had Preeclampsia and they suspected also Cholestasis. Dr. Johnson told me to get back to Fairbanks as soon as we could. It was about 5 am when we finally made it back to my mom's house. Dustin slept like a rock until 2 pm, but I was up at 9 am. I spent the day calling doctors, midwives, and close friends. The medical standpoint from my Fairbanks doctors was to stay in Anchorage and induce on the 14th.

I called Providence and set up a monitoring Non Stress Test for the 11th at 11 am. When we went in, after doing some labs, they decided to induce me that day. I was transfered over to Labor and Delivery where they started the 12 hour process of softening my cervix. That was literally the worst 12 hours of my entire life. After that they put me on a Pitocin drip to induce labor. I was on pitocin for 12 hours. After 10 hours of labor and very large amounts of blood pressure medication, the doctors couldn't seem to get my blood pressure to even out and it was hurting our little Afton. They ended up having to do an emergency epidural just to get my blood pressure to drop. Had the epidural in for 2 hours until I knew it was time for our little boy to join us.

I rolled over to my mom to get the nurse. Afton Ibraham Slate joined us in only one push on March 12th at 6 pm. He weighed 3.13 lbs at birth but is now just over 4 lbs. He will have to be in the NICU for a little while. But so long as he is healthy, that's okay.

Now I want to talk about Dustin. This man is everything I could have asked for in a husband and more. During the 12 hour labor my mom or a nurse would tell me to go to my happy place. The happiest place I could think of was in my husband arms. He sat there and held my hand through every contraction. Every time one would start he would grab my hand and tell me over and over how well I was doing. Every time I was scared I wasn't going to make it through the contraction I would squeeze his hand just a little tighter and he would reassure me.

As Afton is in the NICU for now I am having to pump to get my milk to him. Pumping is really hard. Especially with how sensitive my nipples are and the fact that I've never done anything like this before. Yet here is my husband, encouraging me, keeping me smiling, making sure I stay strong. After every pumping session he reminds me how well I'm doing and gives me a high five.

I have never in my entire life received so much love and support. I never could have imagined that I was worthy of so much love. He massages my huge swollen feet, helps keep my spirits up, and loves me so unconditionally.

Tonight Dustin is spending the night with our son in the NICU. It's hard for me to be away from my boys. But it's also really comforting to know that Dustin is keeping our little boy safe.

My husband is my rock. He takes such good care of me and seeing him with our son is everything I could ever ask for. I am so blessed and so in love with my little family.

Home

I think throughout ones life there are many definitions of "home."

For example, when I was 15, home was my small bedroom in my patents house. When I was 18 home, (for a small time) was with my aunt in Maryland. Later that year my home became the back seat of my car for a long time. When I was married to my exhusband I didn't feel as though I had a home. Upon moving to Fairbanks I claimed the back seat of a different car, then soon after, a small dry cabin in the woods.

I've been in Fairbanks for 10 months now. In these 10 months I have slept on countless couches and in handfuls of beds. I've spent weeks and months in the back seat of a '97 kia. I spent 6 months without any water in a dry cabin.

But not now. Tonight I'm laying in bed next to my amazing husband. There is a low light on in the kitchen, his PT uniform being tossed dry in the laundry room, and little feet kicking around in my tummy. Across the hall there is a room that is halfway set up for our daughter. In the living room we have a 3D tv and a pretty average couch.

And I am home.

There is safety and love here. There is warmth and comfort and support. I think back to the many places I have called home. Nothing could possibly measure up to this. Nothing could ever make this not worth everything I've ever been through. I thank God for everything that is surrounding me. How could I be deemed worthy of all this?

Regardless. I am home.

My partner in crime

I'd like to take a moment and talk about my husband.

On August 26th 2015 Dustin Slate asked me to be his girlfriend. I was a little nervous as I said yes. Wary to say the least. Since my divorce each guy I'd been with had stuck around for either exactly 2 weeks to the day or drastically less. So saying yes to Dustin was a bit nerve wracking. What if he only stuck around for 2 weeks as well? What if I fell in love with him and he didn't return the feeling? I was so worried.

But something in me knew I wanted to be with him.

He moved into my tiny cabin almost immediately. Still keeping most of his things at the barracks, but coming home to me every night. The moment he walked through the doors it was like nothing in the world mattered except for his arms. We began to build a home together. Talked about a future together. Dreamed dreams of a lifetime.

As soon as 2 weeks had come and gone I knew he was here to stay. We were both in this relationship for the long run. We both knew we wanted to build an entire life together. I mean, this man understands me on a level I have never known. I can be as obnoxious, annoying, hormonal, happy, loud, and crazy as I truly am and he still loves me. I'm not an easy person to love. Yet for some reason he still sighs every time he hugs me, like all the weight of the world falls off his shoulders.

November 14th 2015 we were married. Coming up on 2 months now. But it feels like we've been married for so much longer. It feels like we have had so much more time together. Sometimes we have to sit back and realize that we are still so early in our journey.

How can I even begin to describe the way I feel about this man?

Imagine spending your entire life fighting an invisible monster. A huge, angry, 5 armed monster. You can't see it coming and when it hits you it feels like a losing battle. You've been fighting this monster completely alone your whole life. There is nobody to protect your backside, so your constantly whipping back and forth trying to protect yourself.

Now my monster has always been depression and anxiety. And Dustin protects by back. The way I see it, we are protecting each other's backs. We both struggle with anxiety and depression, and when the monsters come to break us down we are more than equipped to protect each other.

Dustin is my teammate, my partner, my best friend. He is an amazing husband and I know he will be just as good of a father. He is kind and loving. He is thoughtful and sincere.

And together we can conquer anything.