For those of you that have known me most of my life know that I've always had some pretty severe self destructive tendencies. I don't know where they stemmed from, but I can remember all the way back in elementary school having deliberately mismatched my clothes and done my hair all crazy so people wouldn't talk to me. My mom noticed it when I was in high school. I would furiously burn bridges with anybody and everybody so that nobody could hurt me except me.
I was a self harm addict from 7th grade up until what would have been the summer after my senior year (if I hadn't have dropped out, that is).
I refused to keep friends in my life for longer than a year. I constantly had a new "best friend" who would "always be there." But in reality I have 2 people that have lasted longer than a year as a close friend.
Every boyfriend I had was either emotionally/verbally abusive, on drugs, or so on and off that nobody really knew when we were together and when to never mention their name.
Many of you know that I was divorced a year ago. I married a man that I was NOT compatible with. He wanted me to fit into a box and I wanted to burn the box and everything associated with it.
Well it's 2 am and I just got up to get a drink. As I was getting out of bed I looked over at my perfect husband Dustin sleeping next to me.
Have you ever been so in love that you thought your heart might explode?
On my left I have Dustin snoring softly. He has to wake up in 3 hours to go to PT. On my right I have Afton breathing in his rapid newborn way. He will be up in an hour to eat and be changed. And me. I got home from work 3 hours ago and can't seem to fall asleep.
I can't help but think of how blessed I am. I have two AMAZING men in my life. One who is just starting his journey on this earth and the other who has 23 years of experience to help me along my way.
For the first time in my life I'm not burning bridges. I'm not pushing people out of my life. I'm making new friends who I sincerely hope stick around. I've got a new job that I am desperately trying to get used to. I have a husband who stands by my side, upholds me, keeps me safe, and supports me. I have a 6 week old son who keeps me grounded and reminds me of how powerful of a person I am. He also humbles me and is truly my light.
I cannot express how much my family means to me. I cannot wait to see where my journey takes me. I'm finally find out out who I am and I love me.
